Naira Velumyan, Ph.D., Communication/Relationship Coach, Etiquette Expert, Founder of the Academy of Social Competency.
Our actions are triggered by various internal and external signals (stimuli). These signals may occur from verbal or physical interactions, ongoing or scheduled tasks, urgent requests, reminders, deadlines, etc., and it is important to master a timely and professional response to each of them for the best outcome. How fast and properly we respond to these stimuli is a matter of skills, time and consideration, depending on specifics.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space, we all have the freedom to choose our response.” This powerful idea, originally expressed by renowned Austrian neurologist, psychologist and philosopher Viktor Frankl, gained widespread recognition through the works of prominent American educator, author and businessman Stephen Covey. His book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, with over 41 million copies sold in 40 languages, introduced the importance of pauses to manage our impulsivity and build thoughtful responses.
Every day, we encounter various stimuli—people, events, conversations and challenges that prompt our reactions, initiating a so-called reactive behavior. This occurs when a response is automatic, subconscious and often emotionally driven. In this type of behavior, we, instead of thinking through a situation, react on impulse, which may often result in unintended consequences and even regrets. Reactive behavior can be triggered by both external and internal stimuli.
The most common external triggers that I observe are:
Life Dynamics: In today's society, quick reactions are just a way of being in tune with our rush-rush lifestyle. Since we are often expected to have and are rewarded for quick reactions, pauses may be misinterpreted as hesitation or weakness.
Filling The Emptiness: Our fast-paced, full-of-stimuli life has made us used to constant “noise,” associating silence or stillness with discomfort. To cope with this discomfort, we most often react on impulse before processing the situation.
Manipulation Fostering Our Responses: Marketing and sales strategies are often aimed at eliciting immediate reactions. They reduce our ability to pause and process information rationally, pushing us to make impulsive decisions.
Some of the most common internal triggers are:
Emotional Tension: When emotions reach a peak, we need to release the pressure. By reacting to emotional tension, we get a temporary relief from this burden, even if eventually it leads to poor outcomes.
Fear Of Losing Control: Tolerating uncertainty is hard, as the longer we wait, the more we get overwhelmed with doubts. This state is hard to cope with, urging us to react quicker, even if waiting or reflecting would be the better choice.
Perception Of Threat: In situations of aggression, whether real or imaginary, a natural response is to fight back. While this is kind of a form of self-protection or protecting others, responding with another aggression before considering alternatives may result in unexpected consequences.
The opposite of reactive is proactive behavior, which is based on an ability to reflect, predict, pause and make conscious choices based on our values and needs rather than immediate impulses, dictated by factors such as the life dynamics, feelings of emptiness, being subjected to manipulation, emotional tension and fear of threat.
Research has identified cognitive control as a key factor in managing personal impulsivity. It refers to our ability to regulate our thoughts, behaviors and actions, aligning them with our personal goals rather than acting impulsively. Cognitive control plays a crucial role in restraining impulsive responses, ensuring that our decisions are thoughtful and context-appropriate rather than automatic and reckless.
Cognitive control is based on a combination of different mechanisms, including attention, inhibition of immediate response, internally represented goals and response selection. These components, detailed below, can be beneficial if worked dynamically and in harmony rather than randomly.
To embrace a combination of these mechanisms while ensuring they work harmoniously, consider the following four practical steps:
1. Attention: Pausing is not just a habit; it is brain training. Sharon Begley, co-author with Richard Davidson of The Emotional Life of Your Brain, has noted that “attention is almost magical in its ability to physically alter the brain and enlarge functional circuits.” The more we take control of our attention, the easier it will be to embrace rationality over impulsivity. By deliberately pausing before reacting, we enhance self-control and emotional balance.
2. Inhibition Of Immediate Response: While pausing is often beneficial, Dutch psychologist Namkje Koudenburg found that it can trigger feelings of rejection and distress, pushing people toward impulsivity. Her research suggests that a four-second pause in conversations appears to be optimal—long enough to generate controlled responses but short enough to maintain conversational flow naturally and not feel or look rejected and stressed.
3. Internally Represented Goals: According to Marilee Adams, author of Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, adopting a conscious questioning mindset empowers us by shaping our behaviors and outcomes. Questioning helps us understand the world around us and why we do what we do. Therefore, when pausing for four seconds, ask yourself: What for? This question shifts focus toward purpose, fostering cognitive control and intentional decision-making. It directs attention to the future, ensuring that your next step aligns with your values and needs.
4. Response Selection: Finally, once the space between stimulus and response is firmly established, you can consciously shape your reaction, transforming you from a marionette of impulses into the architect of your life. As Viktor Frankl profoundly stated, “The last of the human freedoms [is] to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” Ultimately, this freedom of choice shapes our character, strengthens our resilience, saves valuable relationships and fuels our personal growth.
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